Human beings possess one of the most complex traits known to all life forms; we are unapologetically emotional creatures. When these emotions manifest as literal pain, sadness, depression, heartbreaks or grief, they almost seem to be a curse among us. Just one traumatic event can send us into a tailspin. We spend our lives attempting to avoid these negative emotions at all cost, and in doing so, we put our guards up and build a wall to protect us from these tragedies.
I have recently come to realize that you can spend years building this wall without even knowing it. You can slowly transform yourself, subconsciously, to “feel” nothing at all.
But, when that wall comes crashing down and those emotions come flooding back into your reality... it is the most intensely overwhelming, as well as, the most healing ventures in your walk of life. In order to duley note this monumental soul searching event, these episodes have been classified as a”nervous breakdown” or a “mid life crisis“.
Now, this is the point when each individual with either sink or swim. You may be one who chooses the long road, with months or even years spent in the miserable bottomless pit of depression. Or, you could be like me… spread your wings and fly gracefully right off the deep end.
I spent many hopeless years holding myself back, biting my tongue, suppressing emotions, sacrificing my happiness and battling with a deep rooted anger which ate at my soul like a cancer. After finally shedding some dead weight, I thought surely my troubles were over and I proceeded to build a life that I truly loved. Little did I know, I had not fought off my demons but simply tamed them.
It wasn’t until I had a brush with fate that I realized that these years of silent suffering and the person responsible for them, had taken from me the only thing I ever truly wanted.. the ability to love and be loved. As I stood there looking at happiness through a crack and trying helplessly to climb this “wall” I had built, every emotion within me surfaced.
At this point, feeling any emotion at all would have normally created an urge within every fiber of my being to tuck my tail and run. Retreat. Abort Mission and Abandon Ship.
But not this time. This time, I closed my eyes and I leaped. I confronted every fear, regret, trauma and heartbreak I had ever experienced. I cried desperately in the pain of people who had hurt me. I shook my fist at the Heavens in anger. I bargained with God in the guilt of my past. And just as suddenly as this storm of emotions had rolled in, the cloud lifted and the sun was shining brighter than ever before.
My journey pales in comparison to some. Our walks of life may be completely different and some are far more treacherous than others; however, we are all human and it is a fact that the emotions we “feel” are the same. My pain hurts no more than yours, and vice versa. The difference is how we allow these storms of emotions to mold us.
If you’ve spent a lifetime “hunkering down” and waiting for it to pass… try something different next time. Throw caution to the wind, get out in the middle of that CAT 5, catch a good wave and ride it until your feet meet solid ground.
“There is freedom waiting for you, on the Breezes of the Sky..
and you ask “What if I fall?”
Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”— Erin Henson